EXPIRED IDEOLOGY

I'm 16 and gay. I recently got into an argument with my parents over whether HIV is spread by saliva or if you can be infected during oral sex.

TEH FUTUR3 WITH SECKSBOTS SI GONG 2 B AEWSOME

I am a young, straight male—but I have this obsession with male-on-male dino-dragon porn. I don't get it.

MA SEZ

Hey, everybody: If you missed last week's column, I'm taking a week off because, well, go read last week's column if you care to know.

Shit

I thought I could bang out a column today—a regular column, a column about my readers' problems and their freaky fetishes and all those asshole politicians out there. You know, the usual.

MISCOMMUNICATION MALFEASANCE

I am a 28-year-old straight girl two years into my first marriage. New job, new home and new city 1,200 miles from my closest friends. It was really lonely at first, not knowing anyone nearby. Plus, Hubby is far less social than I am, and has not gone out of his way to help us make any friends to hang out with. He's happiest at home on the couch, in front of a good movie, which is how we spend a lot of our time.

Puss Control

When I was in my teens to mid-20s, I fought a burgeoning weight problem. My heaviest was 235 pounds on a 5-foot-10-inch frame. Now I watch what I eat and I work out. I have a six-pack. And here's my problem: I get too much attention from women. When I was out of shape, women paid attention, but not as much. Now, if I wanted to, I could get all the pussy I wanted. Single pussy, married pussy, all-different-color pussy.

SO WE BOTH CAN WATCH X-FILES

My wife beat breast cancer five years ago. Went through chemo and radiation and ultimately radical surgery. Brave, lovely and lucky woman she is. But after the procedures, she said she was proud of her post-op look and the zigzag scar across her chest. No new boobs for her. Moi? I don't like going to bed with Peter Pan. We talked about this and she wants to stay scarred and boobless. I respect her wishes. It's her body ... so no plastic surgery. But I get weirded out instead of excited every time I see her nude. Our love life has gone the way of her boobs, and I feel as guilty as hell because I can't get over this. She will, however, wear boobs when we go to weddings and other functions.

Love Thy Neighbor

NOT OPEN TO SHARING

Open marriages—do they ever work?

After 16 years and one kid, my husband and I are considering an open marriage. Over a year ago, I met another man who I was attracted to and wanted to fuck. I had met men like this throughout our marriage, but never did anything because I was married and respectful of the monogamous relationship we had. I would just bring that "crush" energy home and take it out on my husband. Our sex life has always been okay, nothing mind blowing, but steady.

ILL-CONCEIVED NOTIONS

At first glance, I am the guy your mother wants you to marry. Successful, sweet, clean shaven. Below the surface, I am the guy your mother warned you about: pierced tongue, tattoos, a ton of kinks. A couple of months ago, I met a woman who wanted to be a sex slave. We talked about relationship expectations and because of a few deal breakers (she is older than me, she has kids from a past marriage, our career goals differ) we said that this wasn't going anywhere beyond a temporary fling. Now she comes to my house a couple of times a week, puts on lingerie, blows me, does my dishes, blows me, gets tied up/spanked, picks up my dirty laundry, blows me again, and then leaves. Needless to say, I am quite happy with the situation.