Smoke the Vote

By Luke O'Neil

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If eight years of George Bush's government-by-guts and the resilience of Sarah "Joe Six-Pack" Palin as a viable candidate for national office have taught us anything about ourselves, it's that Americans are deeply, unabashedly and unapologetically stupid. Oh, and that we're a group of infantile narcissists who need to vote for someone who reminds us of ourselves—our overly self-assured, intellectually incurious, magic-man-in-the-clouds-fearing selves.

You'll remember after his re-election how much fuss was made in the press about Bush's apparent affability and his seeming likeness to regular Americans, whatever that means. (Bud-guzzling clock-punchers from the heartland are apparently more "real" than us East Coast elites.) Wasn't Bush the candidate most people said they'd want to have a beer with? And since Palin's "golly jeez" approximation of some mythical Americana seems to be connecting with a significant segment of the voting population, perhaps it's time Barack Obama considered aligning himself with another group of real-deal Americans to push him over the hump in these last days before the election, because apparently there are still lingering questions about whether or not he thinks about America the same way "we" do. Perhaps it's time he shrugged off that pointy-headed elitist mantle and proved himself to be just like millions of average Joes out there. Joe Camels, to be exact.

Obama needs to start smoking again. Smoking hard, smoking often and smoking on camera. Ripping dukes, gunning butts, whatever you want to call it, he should be doing it. Forget the blue-collar vote, he needs to go after the black-lung vote. After all, nearly 50 million Americans smoke, according to the American Heart Association. That's a demographic that overshadows all of the others politicians routinely court. And since we all want to vote for someone just like us, it's a political no-brainer.

Think of it this way: Who would you rather step outside to burn one with, McCain or Obama? Bum a smoke off McCain? I don't think so.

Once a heavy smoker, Obama has been struggling over the course of the campaign to quit, reportedly relying on nicotine gum to break the habit. But if he's going to cut and run from cigarettes, how can we expect him to save us from the terrorists and the bogeyman and those who hate us for our freedom? Smoke on, I say.

Along with the millions of Americans who smoke regularly, presidents Jackson, Grant, McKinley, Harding, Hoover, Coolidge and Kennedy all regularly used tobacco. And we all know about Clinton's fondness for cigars. Tobacco is the quintessential American product, the crop on which our country's economy was founded, and if it's good enough for regular Americans and presidents alike, well then it should be good enough for Obama.

So if the voters insist on behaving stupidly—and what's more stupid than smoking?—Obama needs to come down to their level. The air isn't so rarefied down here. In fact, it's downright nasty. But if Obama knows what's good for him, he'll join in.

Unless, of course, he thinks he's better than us.