The postseason, A to Z

PERLS OF WISDOM

By JASON PERLMUTTER

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A is for A lack of sleep. If you're a Red Sox diehard, don't expect to get any in the next month.

B is for Booze. It helps some people deal with the stress of postseason baseball.

C is for Coco. He's been a Dyson vacuum cleaner (the DC17 Animal, not the cheap model) in center field all season long, and could become a crucial late-inning defensive replacement and pinch runner. Remember Dave Roberts?

D is for Defense. Here's hoping we don't see any Buckner repeats. Just make the routine plays. DON'T FUCK THIS UP.

E is for Ellsbury. The young phenom is coming of age at the right time. He's also a chick magnet. Heck, even I have the hots for him. Will Francona let him play? Tough call for the skip.

Speaking of which, F is for Francona. The next time you criticize this guy for not bunting in a key situation or leaving a pitcher in too long, remember, it's a thankless job. And remember 2004, you fucking ingrate.

G is for Gagne, Eric. It could also be for Gagging over the toilet.

H is for How the fuck am I gonna get out of bed on Wednesday morning after one of those five hour BoSox/Yankees marathons?

I is for I still can't fall asleep. Where's the Ambien?

J is for JD Drew. As crappy as he's played all season long, could he get hot at the right time? If so, we're willing to forgive and forget. At least until May, 2008.

K is for Dice-K. Matsuzaka Mania has been replaced with Maddeningly Mediocre. He has great stuff, but the season has worn him down.

L is for Lowell. Pitchers will be very careful with the Red Sox two-headed monster John Kerry knows as Manny Ortez, which means Lowell will have a lot of opportunities.

M is for Manny. We forgive you for being a flake, Manny. Just eat, sleep, shit and hit.

N is for Josh Beckett. I couldn't fit him in anywhere else, and he's the ace of the staff.

O is for Ortiz. Our big lovable Papi has come through again with a tremendous year. There are no questions here. Just pray he comes up in a key situation. He will deliver.

P is for Papelbon. Get him the ball with a lead in the 9th inning, and it's lights out, baby.

Q is for Quisenberry. Excellent submarining relief pitcher for the Kansas City Royals who passed away of a brain tumor in 1998. You got a better idea for Q?

R is for Relief, Middle. These guys need to reach back for something extra to help make a bridge to Papelbon. Okajima, filthy earlier in the season, needs to regain form.

S is for Big Schill. Can the big guy dig down for one more great postseason, or has the lemon been squeezed dry?

T is for Theo. Since the fairy tale in 2004, this guy has shuttled in one horrible shortstop after another, signed JD Drew (worst signing ever), signed Matsuzaka (looking shaky) and did not acquire a good right-handed batter in July. His reputation is on the line this month.

U is for Utility players. Can an Eric Hinske or Bobby Kielty come out of nowhere to hit a clutch home run? Remember Mark Bellhorn-it can happen.

V is for Varitek. The team captain and backbone is tough as nails.

W is for Wakefield. He's had his usual up and down year, unhittable for a month and then dogshit for a month. Will that knuckler flutter in the cold air of October? Will he even start a game?

X is for ... shit, I dunno. The X-factor, maybe.

Y is for Youkilis. Was recently plunked off the wrist by a 95 mph fastball. That must have hurt. Can he and his ridiculous goatee rise up and give the lineup some pop?

Z is for ZZZZZZZZ. When this thing is over, we'll all need a lot of sleep. But sleep can wait until November. Go get 'em, Sox.