Stupid in all the right places

By Media Farm

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THE CARDINAL RULE of real estate also applies to journalism ... not the one about your industry shitting itself—well, actually, that one might apply, too—but we mean that location thing. Sometimes, breaking a story is just a matter of being in the right place at the right time, but doing things in the wrong place, or, placing things in the wrong place, can just make you look like a jackass.

Witness a half-page ad in the Phoenix last week:

East Bay Express readers,

By pledging to spend $100 dollars at locally-owned stores, you will have a potential $58.8 million dollar [sic] impact on your community, an estimated $8.75 million dollars [sic] more than if it was spent at a non-local big box retailer.

YOU can help the local economy this Holiday Season. MAKE THE PLEDGE!

Maybe you noticed that and thought, Huh, it's weird that the Phoenix is addressing the readers of a different publication. What's weirder is they're asking you to contribute to "your local economy" in California.

So there's this organization called the Association of Alternative Newsweeklies, a federation of 130 North American papers like the Dig and the Phoenix, which decided to collectively ask readers to shop at locally owned retailers. In return for pledging to do so, papers enter their readers in prize contests.

When the East Bay Express, Oakland's alt weekly, sent out a sample of their ad to ANN as a framework, the Phoenix printed it verbatim in a half-page ad last week.

We can't really blame the Phoenix for encouraging people to read any paper other than their own, but it seems like a lot to ask readers to fly across the country and spend $100 there ("locally") in order to qualify for prizes. They could have just referred to our ad on page?.

IF YOU'RE GOING to interview an infamous mumbler like Boston Mayor Tom Menino about City Councilor Chuck Turner's arrest by FBI agents and post the video on your website, better to not corner him in some lobby where they're blaring lite piano jazz. Given, the Globe reporters who grabbed the mayor right after his meeting with green industry officials at Fenway Park probably knew that if they didn't catch him in person, his press office would just give them a "No comment." Still, the mayor's truisms, like, "It's frustrating for me, it's very frustrating for me, because we work hard everyday to try to get the trust in government. You know, there's enough things going on in people's lives today, then government cannot be there to help additional tension in people's lives. We're supposed to be there to help people. I think things like this continue to get people frustrated and somewhat angry at times," barely audible over loud muzak, sounds kind of like Deep Thoughts with Jack Handy.

LESSON NUMBER THREE: where not to hold a press conference. Former VP candidate and still-Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin, went to a farm in Wasilla to pardon a turkey. Inside the coop, she read: "I, Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska and friend to all creatures great and small [Except moose and wolverines—Ed.] do hereby deem this fowl creature worthy of a pardon for the following reasons: Whereas Benjamin Franklin once advocated the turkey as our national bird," she turns to a creepy turkey farmer with a beard to rival Chuck Turner's and asks him, "Did you know that?" She picked a 30-pound turkey and granted it amnesty. It was all very reminiscent of Gerald Ford pardoning Richard Nixon.

After the fluffy photo op, Palin held a press conference. She answered questions about state programs being "on the chopping block," and called the presidential campaign "brutal," a guy behind her looked over his shoulder with some interest as he put a live, non-pardoned turkey face-first into a miniature wood chipper. It was gross.

But not gross enough for Countdown with Keith Olbermann to refrain from showing it on TV. As Palin discussed how the hell she's going to avoid raising taxes given the plummeting price of oil, Countdown put up several "Breaking News" bylines, just in case you couldn't figure out what was going on: "Gov. Palin picks worst possible backdrop for TV news interview"; "Turkeys die as Governor Palin takes questions from the media," "Gov. Sarah Palin keeps talking while turkeys get slaughtered behind her"; "Turkey-killing fowls Palin news conference"; "Gov. Palin apparently oblivious to turkey carnage over her shoulder" and our personal favorite, "Gov. Palin not realizing incongruity of her words versus her backdrop."

You're welcome, journalists, for this handy field guide to your floundering industry.