Giant mountains of suck

By Media Farm

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THINGS SUCK. Lots and lots of things. Too many, actually. Wired knows this, and devotes February's issue to explaining the existence of several giant mountains of suck.

Among the worst? Those awful-ass subscription cards that fall out of every glossy mag you pick up. The first thing we'll do when picking one up is tear out every last card. And this month, we found a big fucking rat's nest of subscription cards waiting for us—right next to an apologetic passage explaining just why this particular brand of suck plagues the journalistic world.

"We understand you detest the deforesting paper rectangles," Wired admitted. "Honestly, we do, too. But they're part of our business model. It's not just about money, really—it's about your eyeballs." Cash comes from ads, and the more people you can con into looking at those ads, the fatter your wallet gets. And since subscription cards are the cheapest, most effective way of hooking new eyeballs, they're likely not going anywhere anytime soon. Sorry.

You know what? All is forgiven. This filthy industry of ours could use a lot more of Wired's honesty and transparency; we'd love to see some of the same from a few of the soulless aspirational rags choking this town. For starters, just how is it that your advertisers manage to get such glowing coverage?

BUT JUST WHEN Media Farm started to think we had the market cornered on wild accusations and unsubstantiated reporting, along comes every other paper in town. Thanks for making us look not wholly irresponsible and unprofessional, kids.

Last week, the Herald broke news that the Metro's publisher was being fired, several staffers laid off and "editorial sections ... eliminated." The Globe upped the ante, reporting that said publisher was being forced out, but not fired, and that there were "plans to eliminate its Gameday Sox section ... and about eight sales positions."

Blood! Awesome!

Or not. Before many bodies could fall, Boston magazine (former sugar-daddy disclosure) reported that the bodies, and sections, wouldn't be falling. Oh well. Maybe next time.

Turns out that next time was the next day—that's when the Metro slung its own wad of misinformation back at the Globe. The, uh, paper reported that its corporate big brother would "soon announce cutbacks at the newspaper, including hundreds of layoffs ... according to several sources inside and outside of the paper." The Globe denied the report. Naturally. Why would anything that appears in print around here actually be correct?

YOU KNOW what's great? All that shit passed for responsible journalism, compared to whatever it was the Herald wants to try to call last week's news output. The thing was, there wasn't any actual news in the paper last week—just limp, thoroughly embarrassing attempts at passing the weeks until the Super Bowl by provoking a tabloid war with New York. There were huffy denunciations of New Yorkers as B-list has-beens, breathless examinations of Tom Brady's gimpy ankle, and this—a definite contender for the title of most shameful, dubious piece of journalism of all time:

New England Patriots fans are smarter, classier and healthier and own pricier homes than the riff-raff who root for the New York Giants—and now we've got the research to back it up ... 72 percent of Pats fans live in homes worth north of $200,000, compared to 63 percent of Giants yahoos, the Nielsen data show ... Pats fans consistently show better taste than their Gotham counterparts, according to Nielsen. We drink Amstel Light, not Bud Light. Giants fans slug back lots of whiskey. We are likely to read connoisseur magazines like Wine Spectator. Gotham fans like to pig out on junk food like pretzels, chips and nuts. They're also less likely to favor organic food than other New Yorkers.

Jesus Christ. This game cannot come and go fast enough.

THE HERALD DID MANAGE to do something right last week. They showed up to a knife fight at the Brighton IHOP, where a pair of discerning, Amstel-quaffing, Wine Spectator-reading non-yahoos were engaged in some sort of disagreement:

The fracas broke out about 5 p.m. yesterday inside the International House of Pancakes on Soldiers Field Road, just as early dinner guests were sitting down to enjoy the food chain's all-you-can-eat pancakes. But in short order, the clinking of coffee cups was replaced by the sounds of battle. "We heard someone say, 'Fight! Fight!' And we heard a ruckus," said a departing diner who was quizzed by cops before he and his wife were let go. "I think the cooks were going at it."