[Feature]

Kiddie Kroakers

The 16th Annual Dangerous Toys List

By Dig Staff

'Tis the time of year consumer groups release lists of dangerous toys that will corrupt, burn, choke or impale children. We love those lists, but feel they're missing something. We don't blame the hysterical set—they could find a fatality in a sock puppet—we blame the toy manufacturers for not whipping up some next-level shit.

Never fear, the Dig is here with a new crop of toys that bring a whole new meaning to "not suitable for children." Hey, you breed 'em, we break 'em.

 

Easy Baked Oven

Price | $25.99

Tagline | "Brownies, brother approved"

Description | Teach that future Betty Cracker in your family the definition of fat soluble. With all recipes measuring just under an ounce, your budding baker baking with bud will be an instant hit with the babysitter and only subject to a civil fine in Massachusetts. Light bulb not included.

Hazards | Lack of cognizance, the munchies.

Alaskan Survivalist Kit

Price | The presidency

Tagline | "A fuckin' redneck in trainin'!"

Description | Learn what life is like under the reign of Sarah Palin. Kill wildlife with your very own replica rifle, play hockey with your Wasilla High-branded stick, race your friends in a tricked-out Tonka snowmobile, sign a chastity pledge like your favorite gubernatorial offspring no doubt did. Rape kit sold separately.

Hazards | Loss of dignity, shotgun wedding.

 

Lil' Locavore Gardening Kit

Price | $14.50

Tagline | "Eat dirt, kiddo!"

Description | This full-body jumpsuit is loaded with organic, nutrient-rich sod for an immersive tilling experience. Comes with local veggie seedlings, so your kid will soon be growing locally (zero carbon guilt!) and completely self-sustainable.

Hazards | Anemia, tapeworm, bunny-induced injuries.

 

"Six in the City" Birthday Party Pack

Price | Childhood innocence

Tagline | "Find out who's the Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha and Miranda in your playgroup!"

Description | Get the party started with this all-in-one girl's night out, complete with Baby's First BotoxTM, Kool-Aid "Kosmo" mix, white-filled baggies (Mom knows it's only Pixy Stix!) and four copies of Madonna's Hard Candy.

Hazards | Blown allowance on stilettos, herpes from the cabana boy.

 

Hannah Montana Wildhack Dress-Up Set

Price | One purity ring

Tagline | "Be a Pop star and a Porn star!"

Description | Get "the best of both worlds" with this dress-up set where all your fantasies come true. Locket included.

Hazards | Schizophrenia, skin irritation, shell shock.

 

WiiShit Toilet Trainer

Price | $89.99

Tagline | "Wii love poop!"

Description | Nintendo unveils its newest hotcake, WiiShit, helping to potty train even the drippiest of kids. With a vibrating toilet seat encouraging your child's aim—"You can doo-doo it!"; "Getta load of me!"' "Don't be a chump ... take a dump!"—your child will giggle their diapers right off!

Hazards | Multi-user maladies, electrocution, SHIT EVERYWHERE.

 

"My First Slaughtering Lesson" Onesie

Price | Your firstborn

Tagline | "Slice and cure, smoke and eat ... warm-blooded creatures have a ton of meat!"

Description | This onesie is perfect for the future butcher in your family. Meat-cut diagrams (choose between beef, pork or lamb) are outlined clearly on the fabric, helping little ones locate the steaks, hams and even loins! Hours of fun will have you child shouting, "Look, Mom ... check out my tender baby back ribs!"

Hazards | Cutting, species identity confusion.

 

Mini-Director Set: Tim Lochland's Boston Edition

Price | $28 million

Tagline | "Don't run away yet, kid ... we're building Hollywood East!"

Description | Complete with digicam, reflective roadblocks and catering recipes for set union workers, this package allows the future Apatows of the world to make movie magic in Boston. Officially and robustly endorsed by Tim Lochland, executive director of the Office of Film Industry Tax Relief (OFITR).

Hazards | Bellowing bouts, boom in the shot.

 

LOL spaek n spel

Price | $13.37

Tagline | "teh stellar spellar!"

Description | So ur kid can learn 2 spaek like teh rest of teh kool interweb kidz. It sez, "More." U spel, "Moar." It sez, "What the fuck?" U spel, "WTF." When ur rong, it sez, "FAIL." Lulz.

Hazards | Ur kid a buttan addikt.

 

MANHUNT Webkinz

Price | $0.99

Tagline | "Wriggling into your heart, and most probably your pants"

Description | Take home these cuddly critters—available in bear, otter, cub and wolf—to open the proverbial door leading into the voracious online jungle that is MANHUNT. Each stuffed animal links to a corresponding fuzzy-wuzzy man online, and it's your job to pet, feed and play accordingly.

Hazards | Missing wallet, genital warts.

 

Nascar Calculator

Price | $5.99

Tagline | "What's Carl Edwards plus Jeff Burton? Win!"

Description | Numbers not your strong suit? How well do you know Nascar? With this pictograph calculator, you don't even have to know numerals 1-10. Making math easier, one swig from the teat at a time. Available exclusively at Wal-Mart.

Hazards | Retention in school.

 

"Fighting for the American Dream" Flash Cards

Price | Clearance

Tagline | "He worked for McCain, let him help with your math!"

Description | Joe the Plumber teaches kids all about the lowest common denominator with these fun, interactive and only sometimes incorrect flash cards.

Hazards | Delusions of grandeur.

 

Nerf Taser

Price | $69.95

Tagline | "Don't Tase me, little bro!"

Description | Prepare for life in a totalitarian police state where you can be tortured at will by under-trained rent-a-cops!

Hazards | Long-term use can lead to Republicanism.

 

The Chuck Turner

Price | $1,000

Tagline | "Ethics never have had a significant influence on American politics!"

Description | This citizen reporter/informant digital camera emails every image it captures directly to Facebook, UniversalHub, Livejournal, the FBI and tips@bostonherald.com.

Hazards | Friendlessness. Family cat federally indicted.

 

Dianne Wilkerson Training Bra

Price | $23,500

Tagline | "I gotcha, I gotcha"

Description | Offers growing girls the support they need while teaching them fiscal responsibility. Comes with funny money and wearable hidden camera for two-player gaming.

Hazards | Chaffing.

 

Crazy Rally Lady Microphone

Price | $5

Tagline | "For the uninformed and pint-sized!"

Description | Why should the fear-mongering, race-baiting fun end just because the election's over? This little microphone spews one-liners like, "I heard he was an A-rab," "I can't trust him" and "No?" Perfect for mini-McCainiacs.

Hazards | Stunted development.

 

Star of David Hula Hoop

Price | $15

Tagline | "Shvitsn til you platsn!"

Description | Why kvetch this winter when you can show the goyim who has more fun? Go meshuge with this little shpilekhl until it becomes your shtick. But don't be a klutz, or you'll fall on your tokhes!

Hazards | Sharp edges. Not recommended for actual use.

 

mADLibs

Price | $3

Tagline | "Who says the Anti-Defamation League doesn't have a sense of humor?"

Description | Indignant letters with fill-in-the-blanks, like this classic.

Dear [Weekly Dig],

We were [very] offended by your [Star of David Hula Hoop] [joke]. The use of [Yiddish words] was [fuzzy] to [Jews] and distorts their [vocabulary]. Why couldn't you have made fun of [Armenians]? We await your apology with [hunger].

Sincerely,

[Jenny, age 6]

Hazards | A slew of anti-Semitic response letters.

 

Baby! TM

Price | $50

Tagline | "Just like a real baby ... because it is!"

Description | After years of making baby dolls more and more grotesquely realistic, we've finally crossed the uncanny valley into reality! Kids will love getting a real baby of their very own. It eats! It burps! It vomits! It shits itself! It cries and cries and cries! Made in Gloucester.

Hazards | Only refundable in Nebraska.

 

Dark Knight Pencil

Price | $1.50

Tagline | "Ta-daa!"

Description | A no. 2 pencil just like the one from the infamous scene in the movie!

Hazards | Death.

 

Little Golden Books Modern Classics

Price | $5.99

Tagline | "Adult classics from a child's perspective!"

Description | Give your little genius a leg up on their grade level with Bukowski and Nabokov for kids! Humbert (from Lolita's perspective) is sure to be an instant classic. And Erections, Ejaculations, Exhibitions and General Tales of Ordinary Madness as a Choose Your Own Adventure will allow kids to interact with the material.

Hazards | Content may not be suitable for children.

 

ADD-Like-Me Teddy Ruxpin

Price | $59.99

Tagline | "Let'sreadagameandcolorapuzzletogether!"

Description | Teddy helps develop your multitasking skills early, while earning a stronger prescription of your favorite medication, guaranteed.

Hazards | Spontaneous combustion, sudden overwhelming amount of friends.

 

"Rahmbo" Action Figure

Price | The still-beating hearts of your enemies

Tagline | "Strut softly and carry a huge fucking knife"

Description | You may not be able to act out role-play scenarios with the real thing, but this Rahm Emanuel action figure is sure to satisfy. Wind up his arm and watch it plunge the toy steak knife into the table, or squeeze him to hear phrases like "Dead! Dead! Dead!"; "Smells like fish!"; and "Take no goddamn prisoners." Retractable elbow blades, tutu sold separately.

Hazards | Premature orgasm. Toxic levels of sex appeal.

 

"Missing White Girl" disguise kit

Price | Your actual identity

Tagline | "Don't let your Amber Alert go unnoticed!"

Description | Safety first! The Caucasian-shade makeup and blond pigtail wig ensure your kidnapping case will get national media coverage, or at least a posthumous law with your name on it. Proceeds donated to Boston College's Young Jesuits Fund, sponsored by Xerox.

Hazards | Increased risk of abduction.

 

Mulder's X-Files Erector Set

Price | Everything you've worked for your whole life

Tagline | "The nostalgic Erector of yesteryear grows up"

Description | From of a pile of screws, nuts and bolts, build the toy of your fantasies. Dr. Drew's special bonus instructional video helps you piece your life—er, Ferris wheel—together. Vibrating battery pack sold separately.

Hazards | Not recommended for oral age children.

 

Thomas the Green Line Trolley Urine Test

Price | $2/day; $60/monthly pass

Tagline | "I know I can't"

Description | The MBTA's patented urine test turns green (for GO!) when your BAC reaches .02. Buy now and get a $40 gift certificate to GNC.

Hazards | None! You are totally qualified to drive and operate heavy machinery, no matter what!

 

A-Rod Magnetic Poetry Kit

Price | Credibility

Tagline | "You too can have 'the heart of a poet trapped inside an insanely gorgeous body' ... or at least the heart part"

Description | Madonna will swoon with this set. Includes: "bubblegum," "mittens," "prancing," "cooler," "slapping," "balls," "Jeter," "lover," "I got it!" "You wouldn't do that," "hooker," "haunches," "MILF," "Kabbalah," "prancing," "blowing," "one-time shortstop" and "Hamburger Helper."

Hazards | Choking.

 

Amy Winehouse Candy Rocks

Price | $1.99

Tagline | "Murah, murrrrr. Raumph, hhhuuurrrg."

Description | Want to be a soul singer of legend, win countless awards and be featured in Madame Tussauds? Get started with this handy kit, where you can fuddle with tiny white rocks and suck them up like, well, candy. Creepy dudes and rock critics (or both) will be all over your jock. Ash not included.

Hazards | Addiction.

 

FOX NewsTM Li'l Patriot Fireworks Kit

Price | $6.99

Tagline | "It reports, you decide"

Description | It's always July 4th with this amazing red, white and blue fireworks kit. Pretend the Republicans didn't shit the bed last November and fire away! Roman Candle? How about the Amen Candle! The bottle rocket? Bottle cock-it! Sparklers are for fags. Make your own DOMINATE-kler! SHOCK AND AWE-SOME!

Hazards | Smells like burning.

 

Hungry Hungry Homos

Price | $8

Tagline | "Munch your way to Prop 8 glory!"

Description | How many Mormons can you gobble? With Hungry Hungry Homos you get to work—flicking tail and nomming on some serious LDasS. Choose your hippo and scarf down every gay-hater that comes your way. Draw for your chance to see the golden tablets. The latest from Milton Romney.

Hazards | The white-hot sulfuric flames of hell.

 

Foreclosed Dollhouse

Price | Auction value

Tagline | "Time's up!"

Description | Welcome to the meltdown! This real-world dollhouse comes with removable copper pipes, squatter dolls and self-adhesive eviction notices. Will you move out in time? Will the forbearance come through? Who fucking knows? Comes with timer. Arson kit sold separately.

Hazards | Humiliation, "bailout," homelessness.

 

PedovanTM Playset

Price | $49.99

Tagline | "Feel better than ever!"

Description | You are Glenn Davis. Your conversion van, complete with vegetable oil fuel kit, defective clown pants and just-the-tip creamsicles, is on the case, bringing children laughter and joy. Get half off the Banned Bookmobile with purchase. Comes with Dick Simmons, John Smith and George O'John action figures.

Hazards | Hollywood millions.

 

American Economy Board Game

Price | $16.99

Tagline | "Classic game of luck, strategy and determination!"

Description | Since 1934, players of all ages have been chasing one another around the classic game board, trying to get their own four pawns from Start to Home. But it's not that easy. Will you move forwards or backwards? Will you hit a slide and shoot ahead, or will an opponent bump you back to start?

Hazards | Sobbing.

Operation! Brady Edition

Price | $8,000,000 a year

Tagline | "Dogwood trees ain't got shit on staph infection"

Description | Careful! You're dealing with an NFL MVP! That anterior cruciate ligament can't fix itself! Deal with septic joints, medial collateral tears and patellar tendonitis in this real life game of chance with the Kraft family fortunes. Is your patient too superhuman to deal with plebian sterile environments? Gisele sold separately.

Hazards | Loss of down, loss of legend.

 

Jam BandTM

Price | $99.99 and a bag of shake

Tagline | "Feel the vibe, man"

Description | Get dank with Jam BandTM, the total alternative to MTV's corporate oppression game, dude! Choose between the bongos, keyboards, didgeridoo, saxophone or improvised-lyric mic and groove out. The more you vibe, the better you score! Moe. expansion set not included. Mail-order bong toy with proof-of-purchase.

Hazards | Lifetime of grilled cheese, social rejection.

 

ShitterbugTM

Price | Just $9.99 plus $19.99/month

Tagline | "Psychological neoteny has got nothing on the real thing!"

Description | From the makers of JitterbugTM comes this sensation for infants. Baby's first cellphone comes with three simple buttons: Boobs, Barf and Poop! Know instantly when your newborn child needs you with this quick and easy solution.

Hazards | Choking, clinging to nanny/operator.

 

CrouchToad

Price | $0.99

Tagline | "Why LeapFrog when you can CrouchToad?"

Description | LeapFrog, the fun, interactive learning system, is for pussies. Really teach your child with this alternative. Can they get through the OED without a magnifying glass? Fat fucking chance. Advanced edition comes with Finnegans Wake and an unsharpened pencil.

Hazards | Anger, disillusionment, hate.