The campaign in review

What a long, hard slog it's been

By MEDIA FARM

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Lookin' back on it all now, you kind of get whiplash, don'tcha? But is that normal? You betcha! (Damn you, Palin, and your infectious, folksy inflections! Get out of Media Farm's brain!) This presidential process has been years in the making, and whether or not your man won, it's still a letdown. Let's review, shall we?

It's hard to pinpoint the moment this bullshit began. Did it start in 2005, when Dick Cheney promised grateful Americans he'd never seek higher office? In 2006, when John McCain, Rudy Giuliani and the cruelly named Tommy Thompson formed presidential exploratory committees (where, exactly, do they explore?)? In January 2007, when Joe Biden, with great foresight and clarity, called Barack Obama the "first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy"? In April 2007, when the first primary debates began?

By November 2007, we ended up with eight choices on the Democratic side and eight white dudes vying for the GOP ticket. The debates felt more like game shows, since it takes about 20 minutes for a dozen politicians to tell you their names and favorite color, let alone how they'd fix health care.

The YouTube debates were the highlight of this season, mostly because it was an opportunity for politicians and Joe Six-Packs to insult each other. A guy in Michigan clutched a giant gun to his chest and called it his baby. Biden called him "mentally imbalanced." John Edwards knew he was more of a feminist than Hillary Clinton, but he didn't know how to feel about her jacket. At the Republican debate, the questions spanned the spectrum, from "illegal aliens" (a question Dennis Kucinich was perhaps the most qualified to answer) to Godgodgod. When notorious cross-dresser Rudy Giuliani's lizard tongue lashed Mitt Romney and his oil-slick hairdo, it was like mud-wrestling, but less arousing. Our former governor fought with just about everyone. Him and Pastor Mike "bass guitar" Huckabee argued over who was interrupting who, and John McCain questioned whether Romney knew what "waterboarding" is. (McCain criticized it as "torture" at the debate, only to vote against a waterboarding ban three months later. Mitt understands, though—he did the same thing with abortion!).

In the summer of 2007, John McCain's campaign was a JOKE. It looked like the general election would be Giuliani vs. Clinton. At least in that campaign, nobody would be complaining about how elitist New York is.

On October 16th, 2007, Stephen Colbert announced his candidacy for president, which was knocked down by South Carolina's Democratic Party within a month. He still had a better run than Fred Thompson (also as seen on TV!).

Hey, and remember when that guy took over Clinton's Rochester, N.H., campaign HQ? Seriously, who takes a baby hostage? ... Oh right, one of the 500-plus victims from the Boston clergy sex abuse case. That was good press for Clinton, compared to the obsession with her cleavage, her laugh and conservatives dismissing sexism charges, even as Rush Limbaugh asked a highly philosophical question about "the woman with the testicle lockbox": "Will this country want to actually watch a woman get older before their eyes on a daily basis?" Indeed, that would be too traumatic for national morale (as compared to, say, two wars and a recession). Better to lock the woman up with her testicles so we don't have to see her all wrinkly. (When do we get to lock up Limbaugh?). And people wonder what brought Clinton to tears in New Hampshire.

So after Obama won the Iowa primary, Clinton won New Hampshire. Mike Huckabee won the Iowa caucus on the GOP side (because Midwesterners are suckers for a creationist who used to wear giant sweatpants) and John McCain shocked everyone, proving he was still in this race, when he won the New Hampshire primary. Candidates dropped like flies on both sides.

A month later, reality crept past all the pomade and seeped into Mitt Romney's skull. He'd spent $40 million of his own money on a floundering campaign, and was the last Republican standing against John McCain. Romney dropped out after a poor showing in the Super Tuesday primaries (remarkably, he still had high-enough approval ratings to win over the couple dozen Republicans in the Massachusetts primary).

Another Massachusetts governor made headlines in February; Deval Patrick became a national name when Obama lifted Patrick's "just words" campaign speech, which led to Clinton's much-booed "That's change you can Xerox" zinger during the February debate.

Then Ralph Nader announced his candidacy. Nobody cared.

Obama realized he was making a shitton of money, ran out and bought a top hat and said, What's campaign finance reform again? while bathing in a vat of champagne. That's change you can drink! (And an image that's likely to make a thrill go up Chris Matthews' leg.)

This past summer was an epic battle for delegates and superdelegates and states and working-class cred. We learned Barack can't bowl, but Clinton sure can drink. We learned Obama can't control his reverend, and Hillary couldn't control her husband or Geraldine Ferraro. PUMAs (Party Unity My Ass) growled onto the scene wanting Clinton to stick with the race, even though she didn't have enough delegates to win the nomination, and pundits called on her to concede.

Barack Obama waited and waited to pick a running mate, and a Clinton pick was generally thought to be the "dream ticket." He kept being coy about it, even announcing, "I've made my decision, but I'm not telling you what it is" (sort of). Finally, he named his pick, that old frosty-haired rival who dropped out of the primaries with an embarrassing amount of support. That guy whose campaign video was him throwing a rock in a lake? That guy who announced his candidacy on the Imus show? No! The one who'd praised his hygiene!

So once that was finished, all the big-name Dems flocked to Denver to see what would happen in this still-contested race. Everyone made speeches about how much they love this country and how small the house they grew up in was (except for Nancy Pelosi, who is actually an android). When it got to the meat of the convention—votin' time—they started to wade through the process of counting (that's hard for Democrats ... they're much better with feelings), when suddenly, Clinton grabbed the mic, said, "Fuck this, give it up for Barack!!!" (we're paraphrasing) and everyone went crazy and danced to bad music!!! And then, and then, and then!! ... they went back to dull speeches.

So just when the convention was over and airports across the country flooded with social progressives, McCain announced he'd picked his VP choice (!) and it was ... some lady no one had ever heard of.

Ever look at a timeline of the world's history and feel floored by what an insignificant nub humans are in the grand scheme of Earth? In the timescale of the election, Sarah Palin, who was selected as a VP pick two months ago, is kinda like that (ironically, the governor would probably object to that analogy). But, like us upright primates, Palin has accomplished a lot in the past two months: Troopergate, pregnant teenagergate (remember Romney's ads about how Barack Obama wanted to teach sex ed to kindergarteners? This is why we EDUCATE), the interviews with Katie Couric and Charlie Gibson (idiotgate) and expensive clothesgate ... plus, she got Republicans to use the word—say it with us now—sssss-sex-is-im.

John McCain and Sarah Palin are feminists (because, you know, she has a vagina and he doesn't hold that against her), and that's why it's OK that he voted against the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, she charged Wasilla rape victims for their rape kits and together, they're Roe v. Wade's worst nightmare.

So in September, all the airports filled with down-home, family-values types and billionaires who'd been bathing in champagne since they were in utero, and all those chipper white faces converged on the police state of St. Paul, Minn. The highlight of the event, was, of course, meeting Sarah Palin. We learned that children who play hockey are literally sons of bitches, and that she said, "Thanks but no thanks on that bridge to nowhere" (except, without the "but no thanks").

And it soon came out that McCain might not have vetted Palin as well as he should have, and maybe made a snap decision. Because he's a Decider! Just like ... oh, wait.

Speaking of the lame duck, the economy TANKED under his watch last month, prompting him to go on TV and reassure us (UR doin' it wrong), encourage Congress to bail out the people who fucked everything up the most and hold several of those meeting thingies.

McCain took action, too! He suspended his campaign, which looked suspiciously the same as continuing his campaign, except that it involved interviewing with Katie Couric instead of David Letterman, and threatening not to debate, then debating anyway. Did McCain ever resume his campaign, officially? Is it still in a constant state of suspension? Did we just blow your mind?

So the second debate, which McCain also attended, was in his signature town hall format. Unfortunately, it was so boring, he couldn't sit still. He just kept prowling the audience, trying to get away from "that one," searching for "my friends."

Then there was that last one, which was actually interesting. The candidates got aggressive, John's friend Joe the Plumber became a household name (and may soon become Joe the Singer, crooning about socialiiiiiism!), and Obama kept insisting Bill Ayers was not his friend.

Don't forget the VP debates between Biden and Palin, where he held his tongue and she didn't bite off hers, so it was pretty much a tie. Palin kept saying she agreed with Joe Biden in his previous criticism of Obama, which he disagreed with. It seemed the only thing they definitely agreed they agreed on was that gay couples shouldn't call their happy lifelong relationships "marriage," because that's a straight word.

Speaking of, retrohate made a comeback, with white supremacists planning killing sprees and anthrax becoming popular again. Don't forget allegations of voter fraud. The GOP is terrified that Daffy Duck will vote (clearly illegal, since he's Swedish), and voting rights groups are afraid black people won't.

But what really sold us was the Barack Obama half-hour infomercial. He slices! He dices! He'll slim your abs while you sit on your ass! He'll lift you out of debt! (Oh wait, that last one might be kinda true.)

But it all got to a point where we were beyond tapping our feet and looking at our watches. We were waking from fever dreams screaming, "Obama! Straight talk! Mom?" until finally, that fateful day arrived, and we collapsed with relief because at the very least, the damn thing was OVER. Thank god that shit storm has passed; the sexism, the racism, the pandering, the egos, the 15-minute celebrities, the fear-mongering, the talking points that didn't really answer questions ... DAMN!

Don'tcha kinda miss it?