Packing My Bags And Arranging to Buy Weed Down in Texas

I'm sitting at the Dig office stocking up on note pads and morning after pills. In two days I depart for South by Southwest - also known as SXSW - in Austin Texas, where nearly a week of criminal degeneracy will ensue. Last year I got to smell Amy Winehouse, so the prospects and possibilities for 2008 are looking pretty outstanding.

SXSW Day 1 - I Just Flew In And Boy Is My Crack Sweaty

Every time I hit the road for this type of trip I’m reminded of “Bloodsport” – my favorite Jean-Claude Van Damme film that is also reputed for catapulting Forest Whitaker’s career into the Oscar realm. The movie begins with fighters from around the world practicing with their masters before traveling to Kumite (pronounced Koo-mi-tay) – an underground marital arts Olympics in which there are only three ways to defeat opponents: 1 – to throw him off the mat; 2 – to make him say the local equivalent to “uncle;” or 3 – to straight up murder him.

SXSW DAY 2 - THE CRACK IS GREAT DOWN HERE

Wednesday started innocent enough with two bloody marys (or whatever the plural of that is), three sixteen-ounce Lone Star brews and a joint thicker than your mother’s tampon. My man Bill at the Jackalope (which is named after some sort of odd hybrid creature that patrols the southern landscape) makes the cruelest bloody that I’ve ever slugged, complete with red-hot chili pepper sprinkled on the rim.

SXSW DAY 3 - BIG DICKS AND TID BITS

I’m not stable enough to write a fluid piece this morning. Instead, here are some quick snap shots of shit I’ve seen down here in no particular order:

A lot of people in Austin actually sleep in booths at their friends’ bars at the end of the night. I’m a wastoid degenerate and all, but I still find that to be the lowest thing since child molester vans with that ladder in the back. Where do those ladders go anyway?

SXSW 2008 Final Dispatch - Still Alive and Crackin'

I woke up this morning with no teeth, four limbs full of track marks and three kids who I’m not interested in raising. A way-ahead-of-time warning to those of you who plan to ever hit SXSW: wear a full-body condom and drink lots of water.

Not Literally Me, But Close