BOSTON UNIVERSITY

By PAUL MCMORROW

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You're an asshole from North Jersey or Long Island or whatever. Nobody cares. And sorry about not getting into BC. But don't worry-nobody else here did, either.

EAT THIS

Flee in full-blown terror from the Warren Towers dining hall, run across the street and pull up a bench in front of Campus Trolley [645 Comm. Ave.] for Mediterranean plates, wraps and vegetarian chili. Grab quick and dirty subs or pizza at University Grill [712 Comm. Ave.] or T. Anthony's [1016 Comm. Ave.]. The crowd with jobs or parental credit cards should hit Eastern Standard Kitchen [528 Comm. Ave., easternstandardboston.com], a fancyish new American joint built over the grave of a legendary punk club; or Audubon Circle [838 Beacon St.], a sleek little bar on the less-trafficked side of Kenmore. The Lower Depths [476 Comm. Ave.] features a killer beer list and $1 hot dogs. And when up in Allston, don't miss Sunset Grill & Tap [130 Brighton Ave., allstonsfinest.com] for its BBQ, burgers and 112 taps or Steve's Kitchen [112 Harvard Ave.], home of the world's greatest hangover breakfast.

SHOP HERE

Regeneration Tattoo [155 Harvard Ave., regenerationboston.com] will ink your ass. Literally. So will Stingray [One Harvard Ave., stingraybodyart.com]; but they can also lance your ass. Not as literally. Comic fiends flock to New England Comics [131 Harvard Ave., newenglandcomics.com] and Comicopia [464 Comm. Ave., comicopia.com]. Mr. Music [128 Harvard Ave., coolguitars.com] deals all the sweet used equipment your shitty new band needs on the cheap, while International Bicycle [89 Brighton Ave., internationalbike.com] and Boston Bicycle [842 Beacon St., cambridgebicycle.com] will save your soul from T-bound purgatory. And you say you're interested in tail? Acquaint yourself with LAB [113 Brighton Ave., lab-boston.com] for hot streetwear and Jean Therapy [524 Comm. Ave., jean-therapy.com] for, um, jeans. After all, those bones aren't gonna jump themselves.

HANG HERE

Get your professors drunk at the BU Pub [225 Bay State Rd.]-so drunk, ideally, that they agree to roll a few frames of 10-pin with you at King's [10 Scotia St., kingsbackbay.com]. See a band and dance your ass off at Great Scott [1222 Comm. Ave., greatscottboston.com], the Paradise [967 Comm. Ave., thedise.com] or O'Brien's Pub [3 Harvard Ave., obrienspubboston.com]. Caffeine-addled scholars would do well to seek out Espresso Royale [736 Comm. Ave., espressoroyale.com] or Herrell's [155 Brighton Ave., herrells.com]. The former boasts several couches and a jukebox, while the latter will cook you breakfast, scoop you some ice cream and let you use their WiFi for free. How nice of them. And, as long as you're living a couple blocks from Fenway [4 Yawkey Way, redsox.com], head into Kenmore, find a leathery-looking dude in a track suit and demand Sox tickets. At face value. He'll get a kick out of it.

AVOID

The D-14 lockup; the undercarriage of a Green Line trolley; jaywalking while making cell phone calls; Storrow Drive, while on foot; the MIT frats; swimming in the Charles; my front lawn.