Bean Counter

By Dig Staff

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OMG LOL ... j/k. The Dig is back to normal. All you naysayers: we did not jump the shark. We killed the motherfucker and ate it for breakfast. PLUS 1

Passengers on the MBTA are subject to random bag searches as part of a drill to see how well transit officials would handle a security threat should the national security level be elevated to apricot on the cryptic rainbow scale (or in case someone puts a bomb on a train that will blow up if it goes slower than 50 mph!!!). How do you know if the MBTA police have passed the drill? Are a few passengers carrying around golden tickets, that the cops must strive to find? MINUS 1

Narwhals, the needle-nosed distant cousins of unicorns, could become equally extinct (that's right. We BELIEVE), according to a new study from the Journal of Ecological Applications. Sorry, polar bears, looks like you can't be the mascot for global warming anymore. MINUS 2

The Charles River is the cleanest it's been since the Federal Environmental Protection Agency started monitoring its quality in 1995. The river scored a B++ on the EPA's report card. We hate it when teachers do that! Just give us an A-, already. PLUS 1

The MBTA has to alter its signage so the orange line stop formerly known as New England Medical Center corresponds to its new alter ego, Tufts Medical Center. The T is asking Tufts to help foot the bill, but no word yet on how much it will cost. MINUS 1

Sam's Club and Costco are limiting how much rice customers can buy, due to record high prices and concerns about scarcity and inflation in the global market. DO NOT start hoarding rice, Americans. You don't even like rice that much. MINUS 2

The NYPD police officers facing trial for killing Sean Bell get acquitted. The decision prompts angry protesters to demand a federal civil rights case against the defendants. Well, at least it's an isolated incident, not a recurring problem, right? Oh, wait. Protesters are demanding a permanent attorney position to prosecute cases of police brutality, because, yeah, it is a recurring problem. MINUS 3

Sal DiMasi's personal accountant, former campaign treasurer and close friend Richard Vitale offered a group of professional ticket brokers help (at a price, of course) changing state regulations on the ticket resale industry. Vitale promised he "could do things lobbyists can't" to sway the house speaker (including a $250,000 third mortgage on DiMasi's North End condo). A bill on deregulation soared through the House. But, uh ... certainly that was inspired by Red Sox fever (no, not the stomach flu). MINUS 1

THIS WEEK'S TOTAL: MINUS 8

LAST WEEK'S TOTAL: DON'T GO THERE