Ask Joel

Chewing, screwing, hand-wringing

By Joel

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Yesterday, I ate a sandwich. It was at one of these hippie places that don't pressure you to pay right up front -- the end result of which was, inevitably, walking out in a food coma without paying. This place is a long way from my house -- too far to go back and give them the $9 I owe them. Is it their loss for not demanding currency, or am I a cheap, thieving prick?

First off, you need to stop saying "prick." Without doing any research apart from asking my feelings, I'm going to say that the last recorded, acceptable deployment of that word was by Andrew McCarthy in Pretty in Pink circa nineteen-eighty-what-now? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Secondly, I was wandering around the woods of Vermont on mushrooms a couple of weeks ago, and I really made my peace with hippies. I mean, if it weren't for our tie-dyed neighbors, we wouldn't have shit like the astral plane, sensible footwear, irony and, as you so appropriately pointed out, fiscally low-pressure eateries.

I know at times it feels as if those sorts of restaurants are almost made to undermine commerce. And, I mean, I can certainly understand how giving thanks to the earth and downing a calmly painted ceramic bowl of giant couscous and raw broccoli could cause a momentary lapse of reason, but that's not the issue.

The real question here is: Did you or did you not screw the hippies over by not paying for what was in all probability a relaxingly prepared meal? The answer is conclusively: "You totally screwed them."

You didn't precisely screw them at the time of the meal; that was simply a mistake. The actual moment of utter thug-moochery came when you slipped into your around-the-house Baja, sank into the couch with your copy of Be Here Now and made the decision to keep the $9 for yourself -- knowing full well that only a fucking prick would neglect to consider such options as, say, the United States Postal Service or helper-friends (the internet might offer another possible mode of recourse depending upon what level of hippie we're talking about here).

Good news! It should make you happy to learn that it is perfectly within the realm of positive, social, tactical maneuvering to pay the restaurant back the next time you find yourself enjoying their (probably dirty) cuisine. If, however, you take longer than maybe, like, a month or so, you should do something resembling one of these three options:

1. Take a trip over there, explain the situation and pay them.

2. Send the money to them via mail with a hand-drawn pictorial interpretation of your essence.

3. Snap a Polaroid of yourself, attach $9 to it, and give it to a brah to drop off in your stead.

Oh, and in general, if you ever find yourself saying " ... but it's so far away" when pondering the moral implications of an immediate problem, you're probably being an asshole.

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