Dear Joel

On Dignity

By JOEL

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Dear Joel,

My girlfriend has to make the choice on whether or not my children end up in a bucket or a carriage. Either way, I'm left with the bill. Sure, people are quick to say there are always options, but I'm not about to start punching my girlfriend in the stomach, and I doubt she'd be willing to trade in our apartment for one with walls coated in lead paint.

Anyway, this is my dilemma: My girlfriend and I went to an abortion clinic to ask some questions - she's yet to decide what to do with the belly monster. A bunch of religious old birds were outside praying and grabbing at us as we went inside. One of them told me Jesus didn't approve. I figured as much. I used to pull the legs off frogs when I was in elementary school. I already figured Jesus wasn't too pleased with me.

The problem is, I've never been one to come up with clever replies. Could you please give me a witty retort for the next time these old church ladies cry about my eternal damnation?

Sincerely,

Eternally Damned

Dear Eternally Damned,

Ideally, you want to be on the offensive here. If you think there's going to be trouble, you "draw first blood," as the man says. Here's how we do: About a year ago, I was walking by the very smooth, transluceo-flective metal front of the Planned Parenthood on Commonwealth Avenue. A mother and her son, who were on their knees praying in front of it, glanced over at me. I crouched down next to them and in a bearer-of-bad-tidings sort of way said, "You know, just because something is shiny doesn't mean that God is there." Granted, that shit was location specific, but you get the idea.

So, what do you do if you absolutely need a retort because you didn't think fast enough to strike first? What you don't want to do is engage in some sort of war of ideas-that means no responding with questions. It's not like you met them at a coffee shop where they overheard you say something that prompted a thoughtful dialogue concerning the ethical implications of abortion; they're sitting on the street whispering at a fucking building. To get them to stop talking at you, simply confuse them. This can involve anything ranging from smiling, looking directly into their eyes and saying in a perfectly pleasant voice, "cunt," to calmly and lucidly stating some variation of this sentence: "I, like, don't really speak English very well, so it would be hella-awesome if you'd stop trying to talk to me about whatever it is you're trying to talk to me about." Whatever route you choose, the key is to utterly disregard whatever it was they said to you.

The bottom line with any interpersonal conflict is: Stay relaxed, commit to your response and have fun with it. If all else fails at the clinic, think of the thousands of things that, in hindsight, you wish you had said to other people over the years and say those things to the religionists. As I explained above, your reply should be a contextless conversation stopper, so, even if you sling something like, "Oh yeah, why don't you pull the pen out of your asshole and do my fucking homework for me, shitface?" you'll still come out on top.

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