Toilet Paper Saver

Green poopin' with Brondell "Swash" tech-fancy toilet seat

By Jamie Granoff

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After you learn about Swash by Brondell, you won't be able to hold it in anymore—a hearty release of eco-friendly gusto.

The Swash toilet seat helps homes eliminate 50 to 100 percent of toilet paper use, which ostensibly saves a shitload of trees. You also help conserve the water that would be used in the production of those toilet paper rolls.

Relatively easy to install (a videomercial claims it takes "less than an hour"), the seat is equipped with a small keypad that automates and controls two retractable wands (a gray "posterior" one and a pink one for "feminine areas") that spray warm filtered water on all your most private places. And ... then some. Following that act with a toasty air dryer, the Swash attempts to thoroughly clean up down there without the use of toilet paper.

Think of it as a mini-carwash for your ass, minus the flailing sudsy rubber blue strips. But hey, one can dream.

The Swash has put obvious consideration into comfort as well as ecological impact, and the responses have been more than satisfactory. "My entire family agrees that the Swash is the only thing in our house we could never live without again!" says Scott Epstein of Denver, Colo., on the Brondell website. "I don't know how they do it, but the seat is warm," raves another eerily cheerful customer.

Brondell's claims for environmental concern may be merely a crapshoot (har), but it does feel pretty good down there. At the very least it'll, um, provide invigoration for the battle to save the world one square of paper at a time.

[Available for $459 at Monique's Bath Showroom, 123 North Beacon St., Watertown. 617.923.1167. moniquesbathshowroom.com, brondell.com]