The Boston Wine Expo

A guide to surviving stains, cougars and memory loss

By TYLER BALLIET

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Mission Overview: The Boston Wine Expo will explode upon the Seaport World Trade Center this weekend, February 9–10. It attracts over 20,000 attendees and representatives from more than 450 wineries who will be pouring over 1,800 different wines. Dumping this much booze into a city with deep Irish heritage and a quarter-million college students creates a situation ripe for chaos. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, will be dangerous, intoxicating, and run you at least $85. Due to these circumstances, we suggest a tight plan of attack.

Phase One: Reconnaissance and Preparation

The night before, we highly recommend bulking up on carbs followed by a hearty breakfast the morning of the event. This will help when you begin downing a myriad of wine samples from every corner of the earth at one in the afternoon.

Appropriate attire is critical as red wine spills are inevitable. DO NOT WEAR WHITE unless you want to come home looking like a Jackson Pollock-meets-alligator wrestler. Regardless of your clothing choice, Tide pens are a good idea and can score points with the elusive cougars, which are known to congregate at the event.

Phase Two: The Scout Mission

If you are with a group, pick a time and an easy-to-find rendezvous location to meet upon arrival. Then take a moment to familiarize yourself with the layout of the expo, locating key wine regions, the restrooms and—most importantly—the cheese and cracker stations.

Phase Three: Drinking

We know you're excited to down some tasty vino, but keep in mind who's pouring. Many times it's the winery owner or winemaker who flew halfway around the world for the event. Take advantage of their wealth of knowledge by asking questions, telling them what you think of their wine and inviting them to the bar for shots later that evening.

Finally, get the most out of your expensive ticket by keeping track of the wines you like. We suggest taking photos of the bottles with a digital camera. This method not only allows you the opportunity to remember what you drank, but also an excuse to take photos of your drunken friends.

Phase Four: Evacuation

Plan an escape because you're in no-man's-land down on the Seaport. Cabs are scarce, the Silver Line rarely delivers and assigning a designated driver at a paradise of booze is nearly futile. We wish you luck.

The Boston Wine Expo has the highest number of cougar sightings in New England. If you are a good looking, single guy under the age of 25 it is highly likely you will be cornered by Chardonnay-swilling divorcees. Gentlemen, if you're going to find your Mrs. Robinson, this is the place.

Ticket packages for The 17th Annual Boston Wine Expo can be purchased at the door or online at wine-expos.com. Be sure to post your most enlightening and/or sloshed photos from the event on The Second Glass' group on Facebook.

FOR MORE INFORMATION: THESECONDGLASS.COM