30-PACKS ARE WHACK!

By JASON AND TODD ALSTRÖM

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Those who drink 30-packs of "the Beast," Bud Light, "Natty Ice," Busch and whatnot ... STOP! Yeah, we get that some of you are broke and that you want to get your money's worth -- a cheap drunk -- and that the rest of you are simply drinking impaired -- sheep to advertising or just don't know any better. But do you realize that for the same amount of money, or a little bit more, you could still get your cheer on, truly enjoy a flavorful beer, support the local beer scene and help to stop the perpetuation of the stereotypical college student -- you know, the one where everyone thinks you're a drunken fool? There's simply no need to dump this quantity of sub-par "beer" down your throat. It's just not cool, bra ...

The Facts About Your Cheap Beer

Most have alcohol by volumes of 5 percent or less, hence the cheap price and why you need to drink so many to achieve your desired level of stupidity.

The cheap price is also a marketing tactic, aimed at your current financial and social situation.

All of the flavorful goodness typically associated with beer has been filtered down and stripped clean to almost the taste and consistency of water.

They are typically made with adjuncts, like rice and corn, to cut flavor.

They can also contain a slew of other "short cuts" that breweries are not required to divulge to the public. Headaches, sickness, the runs ... Coincidence?

Drink Better

Keeping in mind that you are young, easily influenced by others and simply looking to have a good time, we are willing to help you have a better time, with better beer, and hopefully infect the other sheep with your new taste for beer.

First, you're going to need to quit, cold turkey. Back away from the mega-packs of crap beer, turn around, and walk away from them forever. They are not your friends, and you owe them nothing.

It's hard for many Americans to grasp this, but remember it's all about quality, not quantity or price.

If you still want to get your buzz on, pick up a 4- or 6-pack of Barleywine, a strong Belgian Ale, an Imperial Stout or some other strong craft brew. There are plenty of them out there, and at much higher percentages of alcohol (around 7 to 12 percent) they pack a kick but without going overboard. Price will be about the same, but with 10 times the amount of flavor and enjoyment.

Want more than a 4- or 6-pack for your drinking session? Buy 12-packs of craft brew. In Boston, you'll find imports and locals like Harpoon, Ipswich, Magic Hat, Sam Adams, etc. The cost will be around the same as a 30-pack of crap, and again, you'll have a better overall experience. If you need more than a 12-pack to enjoy yourself, seek help.

Anyway, you get the point that we're trying to make: seek quality. Spending a few more bucks won't kill you and once you switch to better beer, you'll be hooked for life. You'll also witness the infectious powers of beer advocacy with your friends: they'll want to try (mooch) your better beer. You'll be "the beer guy," people will ask you for your opinion, instant "coolness" -- and the higher quality ingredients will ensure you'll feel better when you wake up the next morning.

Support the local beer scene and responsible drinking.

FOR MORE BEER EDUCATION: BEERADVOCATE.COM

RESPECT BEER.

Beer Events

NERAX North

November 8-10

This first satellite festival of the New England Real Ale Exhibition (NERAX) will be held from Thursday November 8th to Saturday November 10th at The Tap Brewpub in Haverhill, MA. Enjoy an "elite" selection of 25 cask-conditioned ales from the UK and US.

[The Tap Brewpub, 100 Washington St., Haverhill. 978.374.1117. Thursday: 6:30pm-10pm. Friday: 6:30pm-10pm. Saturday: 1pm-7pm. $10/daily session. nerax.org, tapbrewpub.com]

Northwest Fest Dinners

November 12-13

November means one thing for beer lovers: Northwest beers at Redbones! Not only are they rotating on draft at the bar, but a limited number of people will be able to enjoy select beers during two nights of drinking and feasting with special guests from the Northwest. Dinner includes Northwest beer, tons of Redbones BBQ, and more Northwest beer. Reserve soon as these dinners sell out fast.

[Redbones, 55 Chester St., Davis Sq., Somerville. 617.628.2200. 7pm/$50 each night. redbones.com]

FOR MORE BEER EVENTS: BEERADVOCATE.COM