Adrian Walker is a moron

By Paul on Fri, Sep 7, 2007 11:59 am

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There are these things on city streets. Street signs, they're called. They're there because Bostonians are filthy, filthy man-beasts, completely incapable of traversing the public byways without spraying trash, Dunkin' Donuts cups, lottery tickets, half-eaten plates of fried rice [Google Image search didn't work for that one -- ooh, wait, here ya go], broken vodka pint bottles, clothing, sand left over from winter storms, diapers [you're welcome], and other refuse all over the streets. One day, when walking to lunch, Dig staff discovered a pregnancy test box lying in the middle of the road. It had been opened. Lying next to it was a coathanger. I shit you not.

Point is, Boston's a disgusting place. That's why, once every week or two, street sweepers come out and clean the shit up. Then, for an hour or so afterwards, everything looks nice and civilized -- until the savages destroy things again.

I've been covering City Hall for longer than I'd care to admit. During that time, I've been treated to countless dissertations on the disgraceful state of the city's streets. I've also seen red-faced city councilors complain that locals aren't cooperating with street sweeping and resident-only parking regulations, to the detriment of, uh, civilization. In response to these specific, repeated requests, the council jacked up parking ticket fines, hoping to bleed recalcitrant Bostonians enough to convince them that it'd be best to get up at 8am a couple times a month and move their fucking cars like the rest of the world does. By all accounts, tougher enforcement has yielded some measures of compliance. Part of this tougher enforcement involves towing. Shocker. If people are getting towed more, they're only getting what their own politicians asked for.

Problem is, City Hall can't tell Southie what Southie should do. It ain't right. Southie doesn't have parking meters because dudes with baseball bats broke them all, and the city couldn't afford to keep fixing them. The Silver Line doesn't run anywhere near Broadway because somebody would have to be in charge of stopping double-parking in the neighborhood; a meter maid trying to enforce that regulation would be lucky to get away with a hot coffee bath. So you expect residents to actually pay attention to signs that say "TOW ZONE" on them? Not a fucking chance.

Of course, this isn't just a Southie thing. No fair picking on one neighborhood when there are steakheads all over town who think signs don't really mean what they say. And, luckily for them, they've got an unthinking, unquestioning friend whose job it is to shit out bad logic for the city's biggest daily.

It wasn't a squad car or an ambulance. It was a tow truck on street cleaning day, there to scoop up any car carelessly parked in an illicit location.

"It was like they were the bomb squad," said the woman, who asked not to be named for fear of retribution. Yes, retribution - from the towing companies stalking her neighborhood with their flatbed trucks.

Give us your car and nobody gets hurt!

Look out, good citizens. Men in dirty pants are stalking your neighborhood! And they don't just want to steal your five-year old -- they want your car too!!! The amazing thing is, Adrian Walker actually seems to believe what he's saying.

City Councilor Michael Flaherty, whose South Boston neighborhood sees more than its share of towing, might be the program's strongest critic.

He's also up for reelection, and has to service all types of shrill neighborhood types.

"With the city's current street cleaning policy, tow companies are collecting millions on the backs of working families," Flaherty said, adding that the city "must now take responsibility to establish a program that keeps our streets clean while protecting residents' wallets." That doesn't sound like all that hard a balance to strike.

It doesn't. The balance: move your car and we won't tow it.

Everyone wants a clean city, but Boston was cleaned for years without sticking up residents.

No, it was a shithole. See above. Or below.

As seen outside Dig HQ

[Update: Just how dumb is this whole thing? Keohane and Adam Gaffin will also be happy to tell you.]