Jeff Goldblum's Downward Spiral (A Work of Fiction).

By erikzdp on Wed, Feb 11, 2009 2:59 pm

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On YouTube, underneath the influx of Christian Bale freakout videos, Tay Zonday clips, and remixes of Christian Bale freaking out, there lies Drunk Jeff Goldblum. It's a stunningly simple concept: a series of 1999 Apple iMac commercials starring Goldblum are played at half speed. That's it. No creative editing, no fake voices, just a sound trick that manages to make the star of The Fly sound dangerously fucking plastered and uber-stoked about antiquated computers.

While hilarious, it quickly becomes apparent after the first video that there is something way more melancholy afoot here. When strung together in a certain order, these videos become the story of one man reaching his breaking point, a man who is still so steadfast in his convictions that he begins to lash out at other companies who do not see things the same way his beloved Apple does. Combine this with the depressing-when-slowed down clarinet in the background, and, what's that that tight feeling in your chest? That's the feeling of having your soul crushed a little bit.

You are the witness to these events. This is your story.

Chapter One:

You run into Jeff at a party. Some lively jazz plays in the background. It becomes obvious that Jeff has had quite a few drinks, because he begins talking to you about a ten year old computer. "Ten minnues out of the boxyou're on the innernet," Jeff mumbles, apparently oblivious to the fact that you already have the internet, and have had it for quite a while (You make a mental note: Maybe I can drop all of those America Online 500 hour trial discs in Jeff's mailbox. They're cluttering up my kitchen.)

Chapter Two:

Thinking all he'll need is a little food to feel better, you take Jeff to a local pizzeria. While sitting at a table, Jeff begins talking about the computers again. "For the same cost of three pizzas, you could ownacompuder!" It is only now that you realize Jeff ordered three pizzas without telling you. You are also stuck with the bill. They arrive at your table soon after. You're thinking to yourself "Fuck you Jeff, I couldn't buy a computer if I wanted to now. Who needs three pizzas?" However, Jeff's puppy-dog eyed enthusiasm keeps you from saying this out loud. Your head is beginning to hurt.

Chapter Three:

You escort Jeff back to your car so you can drive him home. He has now reached the point where he begins talking about things that bother him. He claims to not have an email address, which he later contradicts by saying he's been emailing everybody. A switch goes off in your head. The non-stop chain letters and puppy pictures you've been receiving from IanMalcolmChaozTheoree@apple.com have been coming from Jeff. You wonder if he's even aware of this. "Ten minutes out of the box!" Jeff repeats. Before you can confront him about cluttering up your inbox, you're forced to pull over so Jeff can vomit.

Chapter Four:

After wiping Jeff's mouth off for him, he immediately continues talking about computers again, this time about how to connect to the internet. You're a little insulted that even while drunk, Jeff thinks you don't know incredibly simple things. Things hit a snag when he suddenly blurts out, "There is no Step 3!" and begins laughing non-stop. You feel like you missed a joke somewhere, or, if there was one, that you missed the punchline. You're beginning to question your friendship with Jeff, but at the same time, you're worried. This all comes later, however. Right now, you're tossing Jeff into his apartment and leaving with a curt "fuck you!" while he rolls around the floor, still laughing about the non-existent Step 3.

Chapter Five:

You arrive back at your modest, yet stylish apartment. While lying in bed contemplating the night, thinking about the thirty dollars Jeff now owes you for the pizzas, and the cost of cleaning the inside of your car door that Jeff yacked on, your phone rings. You reach over to read the caller ID, which reads "GOLDBLUM, J." It takes all of your energy to not scream. You contine to let the phone ring, you cover your head with a pillow. A solitary tear makes its way down your face and soaks into your bed. The answering machine begins playing back: "Hi, this is Sam Neill, I can't come to the phone right now..." You regret giving Jeff your phone number back on the Jurassic Park set in '92. Meanwhile, Jeff is slurring his words into your answering machine, something about beige. This culminates in him repeatedly shouting "That's NUTS! That's NUTS!"

THE END