News in Brief: Sorry, Ladies

By David Thorpe

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Months after being dropped by her management agency, Britney Spears is now being dropped by her lawyers. The law firm representing her wacky antics has filed a motion seeking to be relieved of their odious duty, and on one hand it seems pretty reasonable -- I'd imagine being anywhere near the legal matters of Britney Spears is kind of like being George Jetson trapped on that dog treadmill -- Stop this crazy thing! On the other hand, think about this shit: Britney Spears is being dropped by some of the only people who stand to make money off the fact that she's totally bananas. It's like Britney Spears getting dropped by Perez Hilton.

Speaking of, I know you've heard about this already, but Lynn Spears quietly canceling her planned book on parenting is perhaps the greatest of all possible punchlines. Sure, making fun of Britney Spears is passé and whatnot, but can't we just sit back and gloat on this one for a few minutes? Can't we, as a nation, just spend some time savoring its fucking exquisite bouquet?

My Chemical Romance have apparently retired their "Black Parade" alter-egos. If you should find yourself caring about this news, please consult your physician to determine whether you are a 14-year-old girl. If you are not, this may be an indication of a more serious condition, and I urge you to seek the nearest ass-kicking facility.

I had a music news site open to a story about Thom Yorke and my girlfriend (sorry, ladies) walked by and asked "Is that Clay Aiken?" No, it's not because she doesn't know who Thom Yorke is or because she likes Clay Aiken. It's because, due to their slight features and identical hair, they look exactly the goddamn same in many photos. If you're wondering what the Radiohead news is, by the way, it was just Thom Yorke saying something totally important about his carbon footprint or whatever.

The very idea of Thom Yorke leaving a footprint is a real laugh, isn't it? I bet he can walk through the fresh fallen snow without leaving a mark.

The corpse of James Brown is once again being furiously clawed at by his offspring. They object to his will, saying that dear ole dad would never have willingly given so much of his fortune to charity, and it's all an evil plot to deprive them of their rightful chew of the old man's desiccating flesh.

Billboard reports that R&B singer Mario, whom you may remember as the dude who did that "Let Me Love You" song (or not), is "conceptualizing" his new album -- sounds a bit lofty. Does this entail lots of brow-furrowing and graph paper and stacks of books about the fourth dimension, or what?

Van Morrison is getting ready to reissue twenty-nine of his albums in the coming months. If you have the mettle to withstand that much Van Morrison, I commend your robust constitution and hearty mental fortitude. Actually, I suspect that even Van Morrison's biggest fan would tap out after about seven albums.

Paul McCartney recently received a heart operation that involved, as NME.com admits, "passing a fine tube into the body through the groin." A grim reminder that Sir Paul McCartney, ex-Beatle and musical icon, knight of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, writer of "Yesterday" and "Hey Jude," whimsical rock & roll coot, has a groin. If you think really hard about it, you may even be able to conceptualize his anus.

I found out that credible bluesman John Mayer has a blog in which he attempts to be clever and, unfortunately, often succeeds. Damn you, John Mayer, for seeming so genuinely witty and likable despite your god, god, godawful music. Damn you again for writing a thing about how Pete Wentz isn't actually a huge "douchebag" (sidestepping the Dig's moratorium on the word due to the fact that it's a direct journalistic quote) that actually made me go "hey, yeah" for a second before I came to my damn senses and remembered how unimpeachably douchebagulent Wentz indeed is. I hate liking musicians I hate.

And speaking of my girlfriend, direct and exact quote from a minute ago: "I just gave myself a headache trying to look down my own butt." Sorry, ladies.