'08 Obituary Previews

By David Thorpe

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This week, Us Weekly broke the not-so-shocking news that the Associated Press had already started to draft a Britney Spears obit. "I think one would agree that Britney seems at risk right now," said the AP's entertainment editor. "We would never wish any type of misfortune on anybody and hope that we would never have to use it until 50 years from now... but if something were to happen, we would have to be prepared." Sounds reasonable, except for the "50 years from now" bit. Something tells me they're not devoting many cycles to polishing the "Legendary Songbird Spears Dies at 76" version.

Being experts at breaking stories quickly, the AP covers its bases pretty well. They have about a thousand obits in the can, and they're adding new ones all the time. This morbid practice piqued my investigative journalist instinct. Being the sneaky devil that I am, I managed to find a back door into the AP obituary database and snoop around a little. Though it may bring the wrath of the AP legal department down on my head, I will now exclusively reveal these shocking excerpts from obituaries in progress. Editor's comments have been left intact.

Britney Spears: 1981-2008

Ignominious End for Troubled Singer

Teen idol and former Mouseketeer Britney Spears was once America's sweetheart, but her very public fall from grace took a grave toll on her already fragile mind. Dogged by months of tabloid controversy surrounding her increasingly erratic behavior, Britney Spears succumbed late last night to an overdose of [substance TBD] outside the trendy L.A. nightclub [TBD]. "She was the light of my life," said mother Lynne Spears in an exclusive AP interview this afternoon. "Even at the end, when it seemed like everyone had given up, I never lost my faith in her." [good start, but let's get Lynne back in ASAP for some video clips with the crying and whatnot—Ed.].

Ted Nugent: 1948-2008

In Memory of a Motor City Madman

Notorious for his outspoken conservatism and his scorching guitar riffs, Theodore "Ted" Nugent was an author, outdoorsman, pundit and prototypical bad-boy rocker. As the leader of the profitable multi-level musical organization The Amway Dukes [can we double-check this?—Ed.], 'The Nuge' combined searing machismo with his own brand of six-string Wango Tango. [...] In the early hours of [date], Nugent was found dead on the grounds of his Texas ranch, having suffered a grievous [TBD, but let's get some stuff ready. We're looking at two to one on "'self-inflicted crossbow wound"'; three to one on "meat 'overdose"'; six to one on '"karmic 'retribution".—Ed.]. He is survived by his wife, four children and fragrant loincloth.

Keith Richards: 1943-2008

Stones Guitarist Succumbs to Drugs

[Better start putting together a new one. Let's take the intro from the '73 draft and put in the childhood bio stuff from the '68 version. I'm partial to the '92 career retrospective but a lot of shit has happened since then, so let's add the discog updates from the '06 draft and the snorting-his-dad bit from our second '07 version. Best substance-abuse bits are from the '81 & '83 Lou Reed obits, but they should fit here with minor tweaks.—Ed.]

Roy Orbison: 1936-2008

Rock & Roll's Golden Voice

His dark glasses and eerie tenor made him one of rock's most recognizable figures, but Roy Orbison never let fame—or personal tragedy—break his stride. The rail-thin Texas boy formed his first band in 1949 at the tender age of ... wait, didn't he die in like 1990 or something? Oh, horseshit. [Sorry, Glenn, my mistake. Maybe I was thinking of Jerry Lee Lewis?—Ed.]

Amy Winehouse: 1983-2008

Bizarre End for English Diva

Rocketing to fame on equal parts soulful chops and tabloid gossip, Amy Winehouse was a distinctive voice among the new school of UK pop stars. Beneath the beehive hairdo and charming dental arcade lay a troubled soul; Winehouse's often public battles with drink and drugs may have led to her demise last night [date TBD but let's shoot for April—Ed.] as she apparently plummeted six stories from the balcony of the [hotel/city TBD; we're 100 percent on the balcony thing?—Ed.].