The Year in Context

By David Thorpe

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I'm still waiting for this fucking year to start, let alone this decade. I write a weekly rock music column, which means I listen to new music all the time, read pretty much every music news source, keep up on reviews and new releases, watch awards shows, etc. I can say with authority that nothing has happened this year. Nothing.

Well, Radiohead released In Rainbows online, which was exciting until you actually heard the damn thing.

I have a hunch: Nothing has happened because we never reached a consensus on what to call this decade. Sure, everyone had their own little comedy, "zippies" and "noughties" and whatnot, but after 2003 everyone got bored of running idiotic polls and we all kind of settled on not calling it anything. "The 2000s" has a slight lead, but it's never fully caught on because it sounds so stupid and wrong. Rather than being saddled with the confusing "Most Important Band of the Uhhhhhs" title, every rock band in the world got together and agreed not to make any interesting or important music until a decade with a clear-cut naming scheme emerged. It'll be an uphill battle through the awkward tens/teens, but once we hit the twenties it should be smooth sailin'.

So, how does 2007 stack up to its counterparts in decades past? Arbitrarily, no doubt! Let's begin.

1957

Wow, tough one. On one hand, 1957 seems pretty goddamned unimpeachable. Rock hit its stride: "Great Balls of Fire," "Lucille," "All Shook Up," "Oh Boy," "Rumble" and tons more. If you're looking for the most important years in the history of rock, this one is right up there with whenever Satan was born. On the other hand, music was fucking over for grandpa. All this "Tutti Frutti" bullshit must have been a harbinger of doom for people who listened to real music, kinda like Soulja Boy seems to us.

Advantage: '57. Take that, gramps.

1967

You're already kind of an idiot if I have to start listing albums, but: Sgt. Pepper's, The Doors, Are You Experienced?, Forever Changes, and so on. You'd need a truly pathological hatred of hippies to deny that 1967 was pretty boss. I hate hippies as much as the next guy, and I'm willing to dock some points for Their Satanic Majesties Request, but '67 still wins by approximately infinity plus one.

Advantage: Duh.

1977

Another head-scratcher. On one hand, we have the year most commonly associated with musical revolution, the year that 'changed everything,' the year of The Clash and Never Mind the Bollocks, not to mention Marquee Moon, Pink Flag, Lust for Life and at least half a dozen more greats. In our corner, we have the year of ... uhh ... well, there was a new Fall Out Boy record. Maybe 2007 will be looked back upon as the revolutionary year in which the first wave of musicians started abandoning the sinking label system, but in the meantime where are all the good records?

Advantage: 1977. Surely there is somebody in the world who will argue that 2007 was a greater year for music than 1977. That person, wherever he is, is a complete tit.

1987

For all the decent stuff that came out in 1987 -- "Just Like Heaven," "It's the End of the World As We Know It," and even "Sweet Child O' Mine" -- it's impossible to ignore the daunting mountain of crap. The best stuff of '87 was better than the best stuff today, but the worst stuff was so, very, very much worse. My heart goes out to the critics of 20 years ago, who had to put up with "Here I Go Again," "I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight," "Land of Confusion," and many other horrible, unbearable songs. While today's youth live in fear of being Rickrolled by any harmless-looking YouTube link, remember that in 1987 everyone was getting Rickrolled all the time, wherever they went.

There was also "Livin' on a Prayer," which teeters atop that needle-fine horrible/awesome fulcrum.

Advantage: Draw. They had dizzying highs and thrilling lows, but we just have a giant hollow center like a cheap chocolate bunny.

1997

Lightning round!

Gwen Stefani's "The Sweet Escape" vs. Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony": Comparing these two songs is basically like comparing getting punched in the face to not getting punched in the face.

Soulja Boy's "Crank That" vs. Hanson's "MMMBop": I'm going to pick "Crank That," even though I almost got fired from my job for supermanning a ho in front of the HR lady.

Rihanna's "Umbrella" vs. The Foo Fighters' "Monkey Wrench": Both are pretty utilitarian, and I suppose both could be used to kill a person in a pinch. Umbrellas are useful more often, though, and I think I'd personally have more use for Rihanna than for Dave Grohl.

Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah" vs. Matchbox 20's "3 A.M.": I choose death.

Verdict: History triumphs yet again.