This Week in Court

By David Thorpe

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Chad Kroeger, the greasy perm behind Canadian moron-rock sensation Nickleback, has pled guilty this week to charges of 'impaired' driving. In a June 22 traffic stop, police noticed that in addition to Kroeger's obvious, full-time impairments (i.e., stupid name, bad hair, sucking) he had a blood alcohol level of 0.08. In an outrageous perversion of justice and/or taste, the arresting officer described Kroeger as "pleasant." Do you realize that this characterization now exists forever in the public record? When Nickleback's critical reputation has long faded into obscurity, the annals of justice will still maintain that Kroeger was "pleasant." They will retain evidence of his reckless disregard for human life while driving his automobile, but will history remember his reckless disregard for art?

Take action! You can help by burning down your local courthouse, sending threatening letters to your local police department, or simply standing on the corner all day, reeking of cat pee and cigarettes, wearing a sandwich board that says "KROEGER = SATAN? CIA RAPE MACHINE STEALS MY THOUGHTS."

And as long as I still haven't shut up about this, consider something else: Chad Kroeger's actions have now branched off into a parallel universe where he wrapped his car around a telephone pole and died. Mankind must now find that wormhole machine from the hit sci-fi drama Sliders, so we can quantum leap aimlessly through various Nazi-victory fantasies until we find the Dead Chad Universe, where we will live happily ever after with Jerry O'Connell and Gimli.

Kid Rock was noticeably not in court this week. The missed date prompted an angry judge to dismiss Kid's defamation suit against some lady who claimed that he bawitdabaw'd her outside a recording studio. Adding insult to injury, the judge also barred the stringy artiste from contesting said lady's lawsuit against him, meaning she can now simply pass go and collect $25,000 dollars. We can only hope that this will finally teach our friend Kid Rock a little something about the sanctity of the law. Between this, his fight with Tommy Lee and his recent scuffle at a Waffle House in Georgia, one gets the impression that Kid Rock is in danger of becoming some sort of brash, lawless rock & roll wildman. Say it ain't so, Kid! You were so sweet once!

In other news, Hawthorne Heights!

Gotcha! Okay, you can take your fingers out of your ears now, I was just foolin'. Everyone's favorite godawful quasi-emo hacks with a kinda-downsy-looking lead singer aren't releasing their new album anytime soon, since they're still locked in a legal wrassle with their former label, crapfactory Victory Records. In case you've put it out of your mind, or are sensible enough to ignore news regarding terrible bands you don't care about, Hawthorne Heights acrimoniously split with the label last year amid a flurry of accusations of shady accounting and ugly promotional practices. How much of it is true and how much of it is a whiny band being whiny is yet to be determined, but I'm going to take the band's side on this one. Much as I loathe siding with a shitty band like Hawthorne Heights, you must realize that the alternative is siding with Victory Records, which is basically like fifty shitty bands, some of them perhaps even shittier than Hawthorne Heights.

Still, the natural reaction is to cheer Victory on for preventing them from recording, but look at it thuswise: Sure, we're spared another horrible album in '07, but how comfortable can we be with a label putting the squeeze on an artist? On one hand, labels screwing artists is never cool. On the other hand, Hawthorne Heights getting screwed is always cool. Chew on that paradox for a while, Brainiac.

Detroit two-hit-wonders The Romantics are taking the makers of the popular Guitar Hero video game, Harmonix, to court. Though the band consented to allow a cover of their hit "What I Like About You" to be used in the video game, they were mortified upon hearing it: It sounded way too much like them. Aside from the creepy uncanniness of it all, they believe that the soundalike track will confuse consumers into thinking the band endorsed the game or participated in the recording. "America's youth may believe we are participants in their culture," said lead singer Wally Palmar; "this is a massive blow to our carefully-cultivated irrelevance."

Addendum: Since writing this, news has broken that Casey Calvert, rhythm guitarist for Hawthorne Heights, has died at 26. I don't take back my contention that they suck, but that's too young for a dude to die. He might have gone on to better things. Bummer.