Courtney Love's Blog

By DAVID THORPE

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A few days ago, a friend gave me a tip to dig through Courtney Love's MySpace blog. "You can thank me later," he said.

To give you a sense of the thing, I present two sentences. First, a quote from the blog: "im gonna stop posting someone snukc in my blog subscrioptipns thats a membe rof the media or somethingt liek teh media[.]" Second, a plea from my struggling computer, which just about ground to a sputtering halt after I pasted 20 pages of Courtney Love bloggery into Microsoft Word: "There are too many spelling or grammatical errors in this document to continue displaying them."

Indeed, "somethingt liek teh media" has been doing its damndest to crack the leathery nut that is her brain. Her blog is currently set to "friends only," meaning that only the thousands-strong cabal of Courtney devotees on MySpace can access her ramblings. Inconveniently, I'm not one of them; say what you will about her lucidity, but the fact that she didn't accept me as a friend speaks volumes for her canniness. Her most recent update pledges to keep "trolls and [media] moles" out; in a move almost too degrading to admit, I spent a few hours messaging random Courtney-friends, asking them to mail me the contents of her secret blog. Not all were friendly.

its none of your buisness what courtney says or does, so go blow yourself... LEAVE HER AND HER FANS ALONE! shes already been throught so much. so YOU PEOPLE NEED TO LEAVE HER ALONE, GO HARASS SOMEBODY ELSE WHOS NOT AS IMPORTANT!.

Unfortunately, anatomical constraints prevent me from blowing myself and I totally failed to find someone less important. After much canvassing, though, I found someone willing to betray Courtney's trust, and the blog was mine.

In each entry, she writes thousands and thousands of what might charitably be called words, though it often seems like she just sets her keyboard on fire and plays it behind her back like Hendrix. Though her typing skills leave much to be desired, Love never really comes off as unusually stupid. Instead, she seems to have developed hypergraphia, that disorder that causes people to write compulsively until their dank hovels are wallpapered with creepy manifestoes written on Post-it notes. Above all, I was getting vibes of senile dementia. All the symptoms are there:

1. Language difficulties:

Whit eAngelica on = ot sbeen proven with Young Living that sone opf them roser an dHwelicrysum esp increaSE YR energetic electrical frield rom i forget the nymbers average human being has about 90-hz?

2. Confusion; disorientation:

and due to vchanting and my Biddhist opracticde and my wonder woman energy muse jewelry and my magical young living oils wich ZArew fairly nonsensicla but people sewear theyve cuyred cancer with Young Living and if crytsals do have prote tivce power...

3. Loss of attention span:

i gave hert an iozssie clarke book and we took things we liked oiut of ossies drawings an dhe had celia birtwell doing his fabrics wich is why i went nbuts ine very celia birteweel piece in top shop, but the thin me( all the girls in thi sband are size 0 wich is terriufying) that marcx dress Patrizia was wearing was amazing for a 5'1 sex machine midget who can play bass as good if bnot better than Kristen( rip)... was i wiritinga bout ny? rock show? oh yeah...

3. Coordination problems; loss of learned behavior:

im spendingmny won dammed money on an onstage moniter system so we arent palying through ahiurricvane aGAIN, i wont even listen to London. yes i know it fucking ROCKED, but my guitar fuck ups are too senile to mention.

4. Agitation; paranoia:

i my caSE FOR INSTANCE THERE IS NO DOUBt that i have been the victim of a heinous conspiracy and larceny and robbery and massive id theft and crime and there is absopuloutly no doubt that no one listened to me and the FBI and DA and POlice in NY AND LA DID NOTHING TO HElp ,me, what could possibly be the benefit in that-=...

Somebody give this woman a pamphlet for a dignified assisted living community before she starts slipping in the tub, leaving the stove burning and giving out apples and pennies on Halloween.