User Login

1101Cover
Weekly Dig
[Movies]

Twilight

Tween-scream torpor does nothing to surprise

By Harry Vaughn

MV_1048TwilightLG

Twilight is a poorly directed, lazily shot, half-heartedly acted tale of vampires-as-metaphor for repressed sexuality set in permanently cloudy rural Washington. There is nothing exceptional about director Catherine Hardwicke's execution; in fact, Twilight feels like a cardboard ABC Family film injected with a handful of embarrassingly amateurish shots of vampire teens jumping between trees and lustfully gazing at their clueless high school classmates.

It's as if Hardwicke shot the film with as little money as her 2003 indie flick Thirteen, but attempted to pass Twilight off as a big-budget thriller filled with gravity-defying sequences that shamelessly echo the striking Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Sorry, Hardwicke, but small-town Washington ain't ancient Beijing, and nothing about Twilight feels appropriate for the big screen.

Then again, I'm not a 12-year-old girl and I have no interest in watching vampire Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) eye-fuck the shit out of little Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), the woefully unengaged protagonist of what is basically a soft-core porno for frustrated teens.

Adapted from the bestselling novel by Stephenie Meyer, Twilight milks the vampire allegory of longing for all it's worth. When Edward, one of many blood suckers who live amongst the students at school, spots Bella walking into class, he shoots her an erotic glare so absurdly over-the-top, the entire theater burst into laughter. Bella, however, returns his Skinemax stare with an equally foolish glance of sudden eroticism and passion.

That's about all that happens for the first hour and 15 minutes. Other less-friendly vampires eventually come out near the end and attempt to eat the emaciated Bella (of all the girls in Washington state, they want to chomp on the 80-pound Stewart?), but Edward ends up saving the day and opts to actually kiss her on the lips.

I'm all for exploitative vampire flicks (True Blood being an especially terrible example), but without any real payoff, Twilight's stuck with no story, little conflict and a massive case of blue balls that leaves everyone, except those squealing tweens, frustrated.

 

TWILIGHT

RATED | PG-13

NOW SHOWING | AMC LOEWS BOSTON COMMON, REGAL FENWAY 13, AMC CHESNUT HILL, FRESH POND 10, AMC BRAINTREE



Featured Blogs

My Top 10 of 2008

By dayvidday on Mon, Dec 29, 2008 8:32 pm

 

Every loopy music scribe this side of the sun makes a year-end list to ensure their consistent, low-paying listening didn't go to a complete waste. Here's mine, with some off-the-cuff comments to sound all snarky-like and videos to boot. These are in no particular order, fwiw:

Let Them Eat Cake

By dayvidday on Mon, Dec 22, 2008 2:06 pm

 

Hard to believe, but unfortunately, not the least bit surprising:

 

"After receiving billions in aid from U.S. taxpayers, the nation's largest banks say they can't track exactly how they're spending the money or they simply refuse to discuss it."

 


Barney's website

By Media Farm on Mon, Dec 15, 2008 6:13 pm

Why are we just discovering this now, with precious few days left in the Bush administration?

 

Barney has his own website

 

Can you imagine if this were the Bush administration's only job?

 






Copyright © 1999 - 2008 Dig Publishing, LLC. All Rights Reserved.