BEAN COUNTER

The dig's quality-of-life index

By DIG STAFF

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The Awesome Foundation (a new Cambridge-based nonprofit that hands out tiny grants) lives up to its name, awarding $1,000 to a professor who wants to install A GIANT HAMMOCK on Boston Common. Now, if they can just commission a tiny pony to serve enormous cocktails to people sitting on the hammock, we'll cancel all our other summer plans. PLUS 10

Turns out the federal "Cash for Clunkers" program, whereby the government gives you up to a $4,500 rebate to trade in your old car for a new one, is too popular. Just last week, 250,000 Americans—who, unlike the federal government, aren't morons—took advantage of the program, and ... oops! It ran out of money. WE DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE

We won't have Dan Grabauskas to push around much longer ... the MBTA general manager, whose job has become even more thankless as the T chugs toward Antiquated Station on the In-The-Red Line, won't try to renew his contract when it expires next May, after half of the MBTA board wrote a letter condemning him and the other half wrote about how much they like him. MINUS 2

It's like that moment when you realize your dad isn't infallible. But, somehow, it's more heartbreaking when it's your Big Papi. Hurtful, hurtful! It turns out David Ortiz failed to study for his drug test. We know what this means for his Vitamin Water contract, and we don't care. All we want to know is: Does this mean 2004 didn't count? MINUS 5

After pretending to be preggers for months, Julie Corey (already the mother of five) showed off her "newborn" to relatives, before being taken into custody Thursday. Friends and family are amazed that the alleged baby-snatcher was able to pull off such an elaborate ruse. Even more amazing: she convinced them all that she was sane. MINUS 1

A Boston University graduate arrested for illegally downloading music admitted in court last week that he's shared hundreds of songs by the likes of Nirvana, The Smashing Pumpkins and Green Day. The real question here is who kidnapped him from the '90s and has been holding him hostage in 2009? EVEN

THIS WEEK'S TOTAL: PLUS 2

LAST WEEK'S TOTAL: MINUS 345