oh, cruel world!

By Dig Reader

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Dear motherfucker who stole my lunch,

Thank you so much for either tossing or devouring the entire homemade salad I left in the fridge. I would have gladly shared it with you had you asked, or claimed it if maybe you thought it had been sitting there longer than SINCE THIS MORNING. But you probably thought I wouldn't have time to eat lunch during a hectic Friday. So thanks.

Thanks also for washing my Tupperware. I really appreciate you leaving a weird, slimy residue when you destroyed the evidence. You are an angel ... who secretes some sort of ooze.

Really, though, I'm a hell demon when I get hungry, and if I find you in this tiny office, I will force-feed you lettuce until you explode.

Hoping all that roughage fucks with your digestion,

Hungry, Hungry Hippo

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