Let us pray ... for us

By MEDIA FARM

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APPARENTLY, BOSTON'S LARGEST newspaper also has Boston's biggest bruised ego.

An entire page of the Metro's Friday news section was devoted to readers' responses to its coverage of gay marriage, which, as it turns out, is a "HOT BUTTON ISSUE."

The paper actually made reference to its second asshole (its mouth?) while expounding on homophobia:

We brought you three people who voted for Proposition 8 in California but who also say they don't think being gay is immoral, despite the way they voted. Well, you just ripped us a new one. You told us that if we are willing to run such a story, we must be willing to run a story on backing slavery and the like. You said we were giving credence to hatemongers and that we ruined your gay pride month celebrations.

The Metro thinks you're all a bunch of bullies, but it can only blame itself for its phenomenally controversial coverage. After running coverage of totally not-bigoted unequalizers they printed a story about a guy who's both black and gay (really!). And, wouldn't you know it, some people didn't like that. What the Metro wants to know is, how come its readers don't all agree with them?

So, another point of clarification: For those who said we're supporting "hatemongers" by printing a certain side of the debate, talk to your fellow readers who told us the opposite the day before.

I mean, helllooooo, gay people: Have you ever tried talking to those who don't think you should be allowed to marry? You should really hear them out on this one.

By printing both sides of the story on separate days, the Metro says, the Metro was not endorsing either side of the debate. That must be why they ran a bunch of homophobic and irrational hate mail (did you know "homosexuality is a Caucasian trait"? Aren't you glad the Metro printed that unknown gem of wisdom?), under the header: "So you think you live in a liberal city? Not from our vantage point." Oh, poor Metro. You thought you could be yourself here, but psychos live everywhere, and are particularly prolific letter writers.

What we have here is just another paper talking about itself, because no matter what your stance on gay marriage, everyone loves narcissistic news. Which is why Media Farm has to fess up. We think the reason the Metro wasn't able to process the fact that loonies exist on both sides of the spectrum, scrawling their opinions on napkins with commuter sweat and donut grease is ... we wrote the Metro a love note. And it was a little ... rhetorically split:

You're godless, Metro.

And Jesus hates any rag that doesn't end all its articles with an "amen."

Also? Worst. Pride Month. Ever. Thanks a lot, Metro. This is worse than that time you ruined Christmas.

Annnd: We've measured you, and you're freakin' tiny. Do you really think it's not the size that matters but how you use the MBTA and dudes in neon orange to bolster circulation?

Cordially,

Media Farm

SPEAKING OF NARCISISM, the Boston Globe reports that after voting against a negotiated contract with the New York Times Co., taking a 23-percent pay cut and threatening to sue its parent company, the Times wants to sell the little brat paper.

In an acid trip business dealing, the Times has hired Goldman Sachs (why yes, that is the same shambles bank that needed $12 billion in federal bailout money to stay afloat ... and promptly handed out $14 billion in bonuses) to broker the sale of a paper that could shit an estimated $85 million this year. The three potential buyers are Jack Connors, a wealthy philanthropist and chairman of Partners HealthCare; Stephen Pagliuca, who co-owns some former underdogs called the Celtics; and Steven Taylor, whose cousin actually sold the paper to the Times Co. back in 1993, creating the lifetime job guarantees that are giving everyone such a fucking hangover.

Those poor, poor bastards.

God willing, the Globe will somehow pull through despite its collectively hallucinating union, its current stiff-pinched owner and the fact that anyone who wants to buy it right now is batshit crazy.

Amen.