Bean Counter

The dig's quality-of-life index

By DIG STAFF

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Pope Benedict XVI tells House Speaker Nancy Pelosi she has a duty as a Catholic to be pro-life, which in his mind trumps her duties as an elected official repping San Francisco. MINUS 1

A Dunkin' Donuts clerk in Framingham has been charged with malicious and wanton destruction of property and disturbing the peace while armed. When a customer who got tired of waiting for his drink left the store, the clerk followed him outside and slashed all four of his tires, forcing him to run on Dunkin'. MINUS 1

Attorney General Eric Holder ventures to Guantanamo to determine what is needed to shut down the facility and count how many ways it breaks the Geneva Conventions. Fun! PLUS 5

Good news for those suffering from belonephobia (fear of needles): Researchers at the Dana-Farber Institute may have found a cure for the influenza virus, which means they could develop a vaccine (akin to those used for measles and mumps) that would render yearly flu shots a thing of the past. Lollipop sales are expected to plummet. PLUS 2

A Plymouth priest is accused of sexually abusing a 10 year old more than 25 years ago. We wish we could call the news "shocking." MINUS 2

Taser use by Boston police has quadrupled in the last three years. Now, don't you feel safer? MINUS 1

After starting a few major construction projects, purchasing and closing a mall's worth of small business, and releasing rats and a cloud of poisonous gas into the air, Harvard University has decided to slow down and possibly halt their massive development project in Allston. Thanks for not destroying the whole neighborhood, but do you mind cleaning up before you leave? MINUS 1

Simmons College has bucked the recession trend by actually making an addition to its staff and hiring a 5-year-old border collie named Finn to chase away geese. Rumor has it Beacon Hill was considering a similar move to fill DiMasi's vacant seat, but after their first choice, Muffin, took a shit in the corner and licked himself, he was quickly hired away to a high-ranking position at the MBTA. EVEN

THIS WEEK'S TOTAL: PLUS 1

LAST WEEK'S TOTAL: MINUS 33